For the past few months been reflecting of God's fingerprints in my life as I prepared my Spiritual Autobiography for my application for my studies in Trinity Theological College (TTC) next year. And would like to say a huge thanks to each & everyone of you here who have in some way or another inspired me in this exciting faith journey with the Lord . Below is an extract of my spiritual autobiography, which includes my personal testimony, circumstances of events that has led to my call to full time ministry today.
A Spiritual Autobiography
Growing up years
Looking back, I’m grateful that I was born into a Christian family. Like what John Wesley would probably say, it was because of this that the prevenient grace of God could have led me to Christ eventually. In my growing up days, I just followed my parents to church each Sunday. Heard from my parent’s that I accepted Jesus Christ into my life when I was about 4 years old.
However, I personally won’t consider myself a true Christian then as I never had that close personal relationship with Jesus Christ for the first sixteen years of my life. I may have grown up going to Sunday school, but I didn’t really understand much about my faith. In fact I was quite apathetic about it and use to dread going to church. One can say I was just purely a “Sunday” Christian.
My personality and character was totally different before 2005. I was very shy, had low self esteem, low confidence, not very sociable with people and I worry about almost everything, basically I was an extreme introvert. Although I would go to church every Sunday, I would just keep to myself and be very quiet in small group time. I hardly even talk to any of my small group members at all. That’s how quiet I was.
I would make excuses not to go for youth camps or group outings. My life then was just about soccer, school and computer games. I realized that there was something missing in my life then. It wasn’t a total emptiness, but there was just something missing.
My first encounter
At the end of 2005 after my O’level examination, I decided to stop making excuses and sign up for my first ever Youth Ministry (YM) camp in 2005.
I can still remember this whole camp so vividly in my mind. On the second night, On 9 December about 9 plus pm, after the sermon from an invited pastor. I felt a deep conviction from that particular message. The pastor gave an altar call to the congregation for those who were willing to surrender their life totally to God. I contemplated for awhile, as I was very afraid. There was a battle going through my mind, thinking that, “no way am I going to give my life totally to God, I still have my studies, career and so many things I want to do in the future. Maybe I would consider doing that one day, but not now.” I was afraid to surrender my whole life to God, as it will meant that I will probably lose my own personal freedom. But after much contemplation, I still felt that deep prompting to response to the Lord, even though I wasn’t totally ready. I took that step of faith to get out of my seat and go to the altar in front.
As the different leaders prayed for me, I started to experience God in a very real and tangible way. I had never experience him so personally and real in my entire sixteen years of my life until till that very day. The presence of God filled my heart and there was this deep utter and indestructible assurance, so that I know that I know that I know that God is real and that Jesus lives and that we are loved.
From that day onwards, I was a totally change person. I now understand what it means to live that Spirit filled abundant life. Where all my deepest needs were fulfilled, my self esteem and confidence grew, and from a total introvert I started to become more extroverted. There was this sudden great contentment in knowing the Lord and that was all I need.
When I surrendered my life totally to God, it actually filled that missing vacuum that I felt missing in the first sixteen years of my life. Even my small group members were shocked to see the drastic change in me, as they were the ones who knew how I was like over the years before the camp. I remember one of them even jokingly told me that she never knew I could even talk.
This is when this quote by C.S. Lewis meant so much to me.
"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become... It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own." -C. S. Lewis
My "Strangely warmed" experience
In 2006, was the first year I attended the YM Leaders Retreat. Rev Dr Wee Boon Hup (The Methodist TRAC President of Singapore and now the newly elected Bishop of the Methodist Church) was our guest speaker for our leaders retreat and he spoke on the topic of "The Spirit Empowered Leaders". He went through references throughout the bible on how the Holy Spirit came to the disciples not once, but many times over and over again. He said that as leaders we should be "Spirit-filled first, in order for the youths to gain that same Spirit-filled life."
As God's truth began penetrating the depths of my heart, the desire to live such an empowered spirit filled life resonated deeply in me. After his sermon, he gave an altar call for the leaders. I responded and as I was at the altar suddenly the Holy Spirit just came upon me and I fell back to the floor. No one even laid hands on me, but somehow there was this spiritual "force" that brought me down suddenly.
When I fell my body began to tense up and I was suddenly shaking really uncontrollably. It was as though I was freezing, yet I felt a strange warmth feeling, my hands were totally numb and tears just started pouring out of me uncontrollably. Suddenly, in this process my tongue started to vibrate, and as I spoke, there were tongues and a language of mystery coming out. That was probably the most intimate experience with God that brought my faith to a whole new level as He gave me this gift of tongues on that very night too.
From that very retreat onwards, my prayer life began to grow to a much deeper level, an increase burden to pray for the youth ministry grew in my heart, and I felt a need to attend this weekly prayer meeting known as “YM GAP” in the youth ministry. And eventually for the past 6 years from that very day onwards, my prayer life have grown so much deeper than before.
Ministries Served
As I looked back, there were various ministries that I was exposed too, that shaped my Christian Journey. It all started in 2006, when my youth small group leader approached me to step up as a peer leader for my youth small group; In the same year, I also began to serve in this sub-ministry in YM called the “Crosstrainers” where they planned activities for the youth ministry which I eventually step up to be the assistant-head in 2008.
During the period of 2006-2009, I was also actively serving in Singapore Campus Crusade for Christ (SCCC) in my campus, which equipped me greatly especially in the area of Discipleship & Evangelism. In my later years started to serve as a Spiritual Multiplier (SM), the Servant Team (ST) and then eventually the Student Coordinator (SC) for the ministry. This exposure equipped me greatly in Christian leadership planning for events for the Christians on campus and discipling the future leaders in the ministry. This was a season where God just grew a burden in my heart on campus to see “Movements Everywhere, so that everyone will know someone who truly follows Jesus”. Being involved in this Para-church ministry interacting and serving along side Christian brothers and sisters from different denominations allowed me to see beyond the lenses of what God is doing for His Kingdom beyond just the Methodist church. Looking back, it was through this ministry that I caught the vision of the “Great Commission” and ever since then, have been inspired to build disciples not only on campus but in our very own local church too.
In 2010, I step down from the Crosstrainers” ministry and felt led to serve in a new area of ministry known as “Ymove” the missions committee in YM. This was also the period where I was involved in the initial working group to start Sports ministry in the church where God had led me greatly in, which eventually became the Sports & Wellness Sub-Ministry in Wesley Church. Through these last few years since 2010, serving in this mission committee in Ymove, attending mission trainings and mission conference has reshaped my views of what mission really is. Right now, I see it has a holistic approach, not just in a spiritual sense by evangelizing to others, but being that true witness of God in our life, meeting the physical, physiological & emotional needs of the marginalized and the people we meet along in our journey in this life. And this is only possible with the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
2011, was the biggest faith journey yet as I made some big faith steps in my 10 years growing up in the youth ministry. Firstly, deciding to serve full time at YM as a staff, where I will share in greater detail in part 2 (Sense of Calling). And secondly, agreeing to be the camp commandant for the year end YM camp, where God had revealed and taught me much. From the amazing revelation from the Lord to our camp committee about the camp theme and how we found the camp speaker was just pure divine. But most of all it was going through that entire process of planning such a huge camp with my camp committee for over 390 campers was where I learnt and grew the most.
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| My beloved Camp Committee 2011 |
Spiritual Mentors
One of my biggest growth in Spiritual Formation is from the interaction from the different spiritual mentors, pastors, campus crusade staff and leaders that invested much in my life, Samuel Tan (YM PTM), Ps Gladwin Lee, Rev Ivan Tan and Ps Raymond Fong are just some of the many from our church. These are people whom have intentionally discipled and mentored me in formal and informal ways where I’ve learnt much from their life, as they modeled out their Christian Faith.
Ps Gladwin Lee, was my first formal mentor when I was just learning the ropes of leading a sub-ministry in YM. He was very intentional in spending much time with me, always challenging me to grow deeper and guided me to be visionary. We did many Christian book studies together and he introduced me to this Precept Inductive bible study course which I attended for about 2 years thereafter. This was a period where I grew a desire to hunger for His Word and deepened my foundations even more.
Rev Ivan Tan, is my current mentor who has modeled to me the faith in many practical ways. He has invited me to some of his speaking sessions, introducing me to forums where we had meaningful theological discussion, having walks and meals together and have learnt much from his wealth of ministry experiences. He is partly one of the main influences which has led me into going into the pastoral ministry in the future too.
Ps Raymond Fong, is one of those informal mentors whom I looked up to a lot. I’ve been greatly inspired and influence by him ever since I started serving closely with him in the youth ministry and in the current Disciple 1 class that I have been co-facilitating with. I have learnt much from the way he models his life on what it means to be a servant leader to the leaders and youths he minister too.
Samuel Tan, my YM PTM whom I have grown to learnt a lot from in the last few years working with him first as a volunteer before coming on as a staff in YM. His someone who sees the big picture and has years of experiences from the different churches and ministries he serve in before. Interacting closely with him has made me aware of the many challenges one will face working in church and how we can response to it. His someone who has provided platforms and allowed me to grow from the task he assigns me and ministries outside of YM which he allows me to be exposed too.
Spiritual Formation
Serving in National Service, from 2009 to 2011 is probably the most challenging period for my Christian journey as I began my process of Spiritual formation where the Lord molded and deepened my walk with Him. My time serving in church was limited by my service in the army, especially in the 9 months when I was posted to the Officer Cadet School (OCS) where strict discipline, regimentation, and tough trainings just push you at your wits end and moments where you feel so physically, mentally and spiritually drain. And if your focus is not on God as your source of strength, one can lose sight of the Faith easily. The verse from Joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." was a promise from Him that I hold on dearly as He reminded me of His presence with me wherever I was.
And now looking back on hindsight, I’m grateful that God’s abundant grace has sustained me during that season. I intentionally kept myself with like-minded Christian brothers in the army. Where we occasionally try to pray with one another and encouraged each other up in the Faith. There were times where God may seemed distance, but he taught me something much deeper from His Word from 2 Corinthians 5:7, "…we live by faith, not by sight". We will not always have that tangible experience of God, but its periods like this when we may seem to be under trial and suffering that God can build our character like said in Romans 5:3-5, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Sense of Calling
God’s Initial Call
On 7 October 2008, my Campus Crusade Staff invited me for this Campus Crusade Worldwide day of prayer meeting, where all the staffs across Singapore came together. There were different prayer stations at this meeting, and as I was in this prayer room called the “Dreams & Destiny” room. And as I was just being still and waiting upon the Lord, for the first time ever, I experience a very strong sense of God speaking to my heart, it was so real that questions that was on my mind was being responded by God immediately on my mind. It was as though it was a two way conversation with God, and I just had to write everything that was being said to me at that time. It started when I just openly asked God in faith for his call for my life.
As I asked him where specifically, Psalms 37:3-5 came to my mind, "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this." I knew this desires of my heart, wasn’t my desires but as I delight in the Lord, he will place His desires into my desires. And it made so much sense at that point of time. And then the phrase "From the Inside out" came into my mind, an interpretation came quite immediately and this was what was impressed on my heart that very day in that prayer meeting. “To reach out to the world, by starting with equipping the people in the church to prepare them for outreach to the World.”
As I was writing out what I sense God was speaking to me on this pamphlet of this prayer meeting, I ran out of space and flip over the page to serendipitously coming across this extract by Bill Johnson from his book, “Dreaming with God”, “Something happens in our time of communion with Him that brings life to our capacity to dream and desire. Our minds become renewed through divine encounter, making the perfect canvas for Him to paint on. We become co-labourers with Him in the master plan for planet earth. Our dreams are not independent from God, but instead exist because of God. He lays out the agenda “On earth as it is in Heaven" and then releases us to run with it and make it happen!”, when I read that it just resonated so much in my heart at that point of time I know that I know that I know this is the desires of my heart as I delight in Him.
Although I was studying interior architecture design at that point of time and did enjoy it, I realised that if I compare my current desires of design to working full time either in a church or as a campus crusade staff, I would so rather do the latter. I just desired to give my life completely to Him and to just serve him faithfully and passionately.
Even after this prayer meeting, although it seems my call was quite clear, I still had many questions and wasn’t sure when was the right time yet. I wasn’t ready to commit to it, so I kept this to myself and only shared with a few mentors to seek godly counsel to help me in the discernment of this call.
God’s Confirmation of my call
On 17 Jan 2009 was where I got the confirmation of God’s Call for me. I attended this retreat called "Fellowship of the Burning Hearts (FBH) under campus crusade where a selected few graduating students who have some desires or questions about full time ministry came together to seek God's calling.
I still remember the speaker shared on these 3 points that may help us discern that call. Firstly, the Providential Call, incidences or events that have happened before, Secondly, the Charismatic call, spiritual gifts that God give one, and lastly, the Heart Call, where deep in your heart you actually know that you know that God has called you somewhere, but sometimes we are to afraid to verbalized it out to others, as we are afraid to be verbally accountable for it, and when he said that, I felt a deep conviction for it, as that was the feeling I was feeling at that time.
However, I still desired more confirmation, I prayed before I slept that night and in my amazement, I actually had a dream of where I was in my bed there was a signboard in front of me that said “Just Say it”. I woke up the next morning, recalling what had happened, and still wanted more confirmation from God’s Word itself and not have a dream determined my future, so decided to spend some time with the Lord, and my devotional reading of that day was taken from Hebrews 3:1-11 and when it came to verse 7-8 it said, "So, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts..." , there and then, a deep conviction resonated in my heart again, as I knew that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me all these while, and flashes of my initial call came back to me again. And I knew when the Lord said, “God is faithful always, just be obedient to His call”. I knew I cannot run away already, and there and then I prayed and committed myself to response to His call on the spot.
When I thought that was it, God just assured me yet again when I went home that afternoon to share with my parents about it, my mom responded that the devotional book that I use to read a year ago also spoke to my sister today too for a different matter in her life. And then a flash back came to me that exactly 1 year ago on 17 Jan 2008, I wrote an entry on my blog about this same devotional reading that my sister is using now. And when I searched back to that post, this was what I wrote, “I was ready to be that “OCEAN-minded” Christian who is ready to accept all the plans God has for me, and that I’m willing to lose the little in order to reach out the BIG.” And I left an open questioned at the end, “that I’m all ready to be fully used by God, but didn’t know if it’s going to be in the market place or to be in full-time ministry?” And now exactly 1 year later on 17 Jan 2009, God answered that open question to Him. I was just in awe, I knew this was one of the many “providential calls” that the speaker the night before was talking about.
Preparations for Full Time Ministry One of of my main New Year resolutions was,"To go into FAITH adventures with the Lord where I have never been before!", and God just knew how to test it out.
Few days later, on 4 Jan 2011, just few months before my Operationally Ready Date (ORD) from the National Service, I was contemplating deeply on 2 possible paths after my ORD. Firstly, I was seriously considering the option of extending my contract in the SAF for awhile after many opportunities to sign on came. Secondly, to explore a new area of ministry in church in the area of Sport’s ministry, which I left of as a sports intern before going into National Service.
Met up with Pastor Alvin Chan the next day for some pastoral advice, and he told me there weren’t any job opportunities as a staff in sports ministry at that point of time, but this was what shocked me, the previous YM programme coordinator actually just left for a career change, and now they were actually looking for someone to replace him. And the amazing thing was I didn’t even know he was planning to leave. I knew there and then that this was a door opening for me to serve in. Back into the very ministry that God has place such strong passion and desires in my heart all this while. And that was with the youths in the ministry that I have grown up in.
A week later my chairperson approached me if I was willing to be the camp commandant for the year end YM Camp, and they decided on that even before I decided to come on staff in YM. So everything just came into place so nicely. I agreed thereafter as now I could fully focus all my time and effort to actually plan the year end YM Camp.
In the beginning process of planning that camp, God reminded me to re-look into the calling that He has called me too, dated back on 7 October 2008, where he impressed on my heart on that very day, “To reach out to the world, by starting with equipping the people in the church to prepare them for outreach to the World.”
And that was to plan an entire camp that is focus on equipping the youths in the church to prepare for outreach to the world. God divinely revealed to us the YM Camp theme for 2011 as “
SHINE FORTH: Light Up The World”, which followed through as the YM Theme for 2012 too. I knew this was a huge preparation for God’s call for me, as He provided opportunities after opportunities to just go on this faith adventure with Him.
All this exposure working full time in church for the past couple of years has been so fulfilling especially going through these 9 months of Disciple 1 study, and also going through the Disciple 1 Facilitation Training Course where we studied almost the entire bible from Genesis to Revelation which has deepened my theological understanding of Him greatly. This journey thus far has humbled me much and has definitely assured my calling even more today, and because of all these right now I know that I know, God has called me to be a full time minister for Him in a church.
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| First ever Disciple 1 class with the Youth Leaders of YM! |
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| 13-14 Sep 2012, 53th DISCIPLE LEADERS TRAINING SEMINAR |
