This 2 days 16-17 Jan 2009 @ PraiseHaven, was where i attended this retreat "Fellowship of the Burning Hearts (FBH) under Singapore campus crusade for christ where a selected few graduating students who have some desires or questions abt full time ministry came together from Poly and University to seek God's calling... Looking back at the sequence of events that happen yesterday...and especially looking back at the totality of my life ever since my life changing experience in end year 2005.... I'm in AWE of GOD...to see God's fingerprints in every part of my life prior to this day.
Day 1- Friday
After DG with my crusade disciples rushed down from TP all the way to the west at upper bukit timah taking abt 2 hrs in total to reach Praise haven. And one thing that really made my day was this random Indian guy suddenly offered to guide me in this crowded bus 170 and the strange thing was I didn't mentioned I was lost...But he kindly offered to help me and asked if I needed guidance on where to stop.
At arrival, I initially felt a bit out of place as realised that everyone there was way older! They were mainly all graduating Uni students and I was the only one from poly at that point of time. Soon after Estella and Maggie from RP came later. In the end there was just, me 1 TP guy, 2 Rp girls and a big grp of NUS and NTU students.
The first night session was by one of the crusade staff, Desmond who shared on a Renewed Perspective of God... And God really spoke to me part through his message and it kept on resonating in my heart.
(Above is an extract of the message outline... What he said hit me right in the heart, He said sometimes we actually KNOW IT... but are we SAYING IT?... another thing that God reminded me is, GOD is FAITHFUL, Seek Him and YOU WILL FIND HIM, TAKE GOD AT HIS WORD!... and its all said in this retreat theme verse...)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
After this night session we had a really good sharing over supper at Rail mall, with our TRP Crusade staff Irene. And present there was Estella, Maggie and myself. Through the discussion, it made me realised more and more of God's leading. Irene asked us a series of questions which hit me... "lets say i have no restrictions,no boundaries,and i just have a desire of where I would want to go, where would that be?...my heart kept beating so fast and that deep inner desire in my heart was RIGHT there... but i just couldn't say it!... it was hard! I KNOW it...but i just can't say it!...
After that we went back to our dorms, and my mind was just pondering and thinking non stop, in the bathroom, back at the rooms and through out that night! (sidetracking a bit...i'm very grateful to all those NUS students in that dorm who made me feel welcome since i'm the only TP student and youngest in their midst)...
Back in the dorm I started to read some articles that they gave us...
(This is part of it...Read this to enlarge...)
(This verse convicted me as I read it)
(And this was the last sentence of that article...) In the end... I went to sleep praying for God to reveal to me more...maybe in a dream?)
The DREAM..
And it Happened...GOD MEANT IT!
I don't know if I was over thinking, but I remembered my entire dream the next morning! Or was it kind of a vision in my sub conscious mind? It was strange, I was in my very same bed in that dormitory, I looked directly infront to see this rectangular sign at the edge of the bed frame opposite me and very vaguely trying to see what the words on it was saying.. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I know its along the lines of..."SAY YES" or "JUST TAKE IT", "DO IT"..."SAY IT".... soon..I woke up......
Day 2 - Saturday
I took a quick bath..and went to the playground near our dorm..
( I sat on the steps, and prayed.... open my devotional, and bible...and read it...)
And ...GOD SPOKE RIGHT INTO MY heart as I read on and on... my devotion was talking about looking back at the past at what God did for me...
The first verse that spoke...
"In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. Heb 1:1-2"
And than i read on from Hebrews 3:1-11..and wow.. on verse 7-8 it says...
"So, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts....."
I just needed to let God speak, and for me to listen.... And next the reminder again from his word...to look back (exactly what irene share the night before abt looking back old journal entries to see how God has revealed things to me in the past) ...
And the WORD OF GOD just SPOKE AGAIN...this verse said this ...
"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. Romans 15:4 "
And than I sat still..just listening to that still small voice... and a sense of deja vu came... like when I was at the Dreams & Destiny room (at the Worldwide day of prayer at the Crusade HQ last year)...and the thoughts from God filled my mind...The words in yellow ,I believed is God's still small voice to me... I decided to write them all down in my jounrnal as it came...
"He told me to think back all the way to the time of the CROSS...when he died for ALL my sins, forgave me and REDEEMED me!" And he reminded me again.. "GOD IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL to me... and the question came.."Is it God desire for me to go full time ministry"...and my answer to the Lord....was a clear.... YES... Next.. "Ben..Focus on me(Jesus)..You can Trust Me..."Where ever it is"..."I'm always faithful to you. REMEMBER THAT.. I will provide for your needs"...And again..He said remember GOD IS FAITHFUL ALWAYS...and just be OBEDIENT to the call..."
From here on I was still in struggling in question with the Lord... ok full time..but WHERE?... to my church, particularly in Wesley Youth Ministry? Or Campus Crusade?... anyways after awhile I decided to wait again for further direction in the near future..anyways I still got 2 years of NS to decide....
The next session was by Sharon the wife of the current national director of Crusade, as she shared her journey with the Lord from the scriptures of Numbers ch 13 to 14... And then she shared the EXACT SAME VERSE that gave her the desire to go full time! And it was that same verse that led me to have a change of heart desires at that very worldwide day of prayer meeting in october last year..it was the verse... "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD;trust in him and he will do this. Psalm 37:3-5"
God has place that desire in my heart to serve Him WHOLLY AND FULLY in a Full time christian vocation when I won't be restricted by my bosses, clients,colleagues or the job requirement in the secular world, especially in the design industry... and as of now, God has revealed enough light for me to take that next first step forward..and to response with and SAY A CLEAR YES!... "HERE I AM...SEND ME..."
Looking back in year 1, I still remember my initial thoughts of seeking my calling in life... I kept putting the thoughts of full time ministry aside, only till end of year 2...when God allowed me to be open to it...and year 3...where God reveal more and more to me.
Immediately, when I got home I shared this to my parents first... and my mom responded that the old devotional book that I used a year ago also spoke to my sister TODAY for something else...And then it occurred to me to look back all my past devotional entries,and journal writings about a year back... and I remember I journeyed this in my blog.... EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO.... EXACTLY 365 days back... I made a decision to surrender my dreams & ambitions to allow Him to lead me where ever He called me...
LOOKING BACK.... (piecing together that providential call)....
Click here for the actual Flash back of my journal entry EXACTLY 1 year ago on 17 Jan 2008 (my first call)
An extract of that post..."Today QT... just an extract from my devotion... "EVERYDAY WITH JESUS" by Selwyn Hughues.....
Before i started today QT... I told God to continue to reveal to me his purpose and calling for me, and basically to really speak to my heart... and well today passage was base on "Judges 5:1-18... Some will find the year ahead to be one of the most exciting of their lives, and will be determined to respond to all the challenges God gives them. Others of us, I am afraid, will be like Asher who "sat still by the seaboard,clinging to his Creeks" (V.17)
Well the former immediately does relates to what im feeling now! INDEED 2008 seem to be an exiting year ahead and I'm determined to response to God challenges! Anyway basically this whole passage is questioning us if we are that "CREEK-Minded" Christian like Asher in (V.17) or an OCEAN-minded Christian where you are ready to accept all the plans God has for you who is willing to lose the little in order to reach out the BIG. Well the latter really spoke to me.... Am im really READY for the BIG THING GOD has for me? I can confidently now say a resounding... YES! But right now i'm just waiting for that continual assurance of what really my TRUE Calling really is! And when im that sure! I will go for it!... is it to be used by God in the market place? or serve Him in a Full time vocation? Thats an area of my life that I will continue to Trust the Lord as I live each day for HIM....
And You know what... That desire and assurance I wanted from GOD CAME!!!! And some of you all remember this ... my first clearest call of direction... Click here for (Dreaming With God) The second call(the direction that came)...
But if you think this was all...I looked back even further...and remember possibly my first first ever calling.... that i wrote down on my blog...and it was on DAY 1 of YM camp 2007, I still remember so vivdly the series of events... this was my exact writing of my post 2 years ago "at the start Pastor Alvin ask everyone to quieten their hearts and hear what God want to tell us abt out destiny... And the thought of "to minister to others" kept appearing in my mind. I dunno why but... I believed it was from God. ".. after this was also followed by the AUDIBLE VOICE i heard of "HEY BEN" at the end of his sermon in that quietness...
Click here for YM camp 2007(Read day 1 entry)..The first real call...when followed by when i heard that AUDIBLE VOICE...
Anyways i'm just sooooooo sooo excited for what's install for me to come! I feel this great sense of relived now saying it confidently! But now... i know my main purpose is to still continue in my walk with the Lord! And I must still have that SPIRIT OF EXCELLENCE in my Final Year Project! =)
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