The “Orthodoxy, Orthopraxis and Orthopathos” of Marriage
Written by: Benjamin Lau
Preface
Decided to share my research and thoughts from my Marriage & Family term paper that I wrote on my last semester in Trinity Theological College. Hope this paper on the "Orthodoxy, Orthopraxis, and Orthopathos of Marriage" will be a useful framework for my friends who are preparing to get married, are currently married, or hope to get married one day. Thanks Rev Dr Jimmy Tan for all the guidance for our M&F class & feedback on this paper. As well as my lovely fiancee Claire Chong whom has encouraged me greatly in my research and motivated me in writing this paper to prepare ourselves for our new season of marriage to come.
Introduction
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God… whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love… This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” (1 John 4:7,8, 10-11)[1]
Marriages throughout the world are failing, and the rate of divorces is on the rise. In the statistics in Singapore, the rate of divorces and annulment has risen tremendously from 1,721 in 1980 to 7307 in 2014.
[2] That is nearly 25.7% of the total number of marriages in 2014 alone, a massive increased from 7.6% in 1980.
[3] In a study by Wilcox, it has shown that Christians divorcees are just as high. However, Stetzer points out that it is the, "Nominal" Christians that are actually 20% more likely to get divorce from the general population.
[4] These are people who call themselves Christians but do not actively engage with the faith.
[5]
There are many contributing factors that lead to the break down of marriages. William Goode suggested some of them to be:
…urban background, marriage at very young ages, short acquaintanceship before marriage, short or no engagement, marital unhappiness of parents, non-attendance at church, mixed religious faith, disapproval by kin and friend of the marriage, dissimilarity of background and different definitions by spouses of their mutual roles.[6]
John Stott argues that one of the main reasons for the decline of the Christian faith in the West, is the ‘loss of commitment to a Christian understanding of the sanctity and permanence of marriage’ and rising secularization that attacks the ‘traditional concepts of sex, marriage and family.’
[7] Balswick adds to this opinion that the ‘effects of modernity and postmodernity’, have led to ‘contradictions in the family’.
[8] I fully agree with him here, as with the exposure to the diversity of worldviews today, it has led to a ‘fragmentation of consciousness’ and ‘false hopes’ of what marriage and family life is to be.
[9] John Gottman, a psychologist, who did an experiment on marriages, highlights to us that more than half of all marriages in America ended in divorce.
[10] He shares that it is important to be aware of what leads to a deterioration of a marriage, and this boils down to ‘destructive interactions’ such as ‘criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling’, which can be detrimental if not addressed.
[11]
Goode, Stott, Gottman and Balswick have all shed useful insights to us on factors that have contributed to the rise of divorces in our society today. This is where I argue that because of the ‘effects of modernity and postmodernity’ and secularization of the world, it has led to a weakened view and theology of marriage today, and if the ‘destructive interactions’ of couples are not addressed, it will continue to lead to the breakdown of many marriages.
In the course of this essay, I wish to address these issues by proposing a framework of Orthodoxy, Orthopathos and Orthopraxis of Marriage. I argue that if a Christian couple has a thorough understanding of the covenant and theology of marriage, and intentionally work on building intimacy with each other, it will enable them to better address their conflicts in marriage and so avert the potential of suffering a divorce.
a) The Orthodoxy of Marriage
As highlighted earlier our traditional and biblical understanding of ‘sex, marriage and family’ has been challenged, or, using the words of Stott, it has been ‘assaulted’ from the rise of secularization.
[12] This leads me to argue in this segment that there is a need for Christian couples to reclaim the orthodoxy of marriage. “Orthodoxy” here refers to the “true belief or doctrine where it concerns the Christocentric beliefs and early church belief and tradition”.
[13]
Firstly, such ‘Orthodoxy’ is established by going back to the biblical premise of marriage. It began in Genesis 2:18, when God establish the reason for man and woman to come together, He said, “it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable helper suitable for him”. I thought the Presbyterian Book of Common Worship provided us a good starting point of what marriage is made for, it asserts “God established marriage for the welfare and happiness of Humankind.”
[14] The man and woman were also commanded to “be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:28), here is where marriage is a union between two people becoming one and for procreation. This is explained in Genesis 2:24, where the word “united” or in other translations, “to cleave” means “to make a binding covenant or contract”.
[15] It is meant to be a mutual commitment of ‘self-giving’ to one another through the expression of sexual union and becoming “one flesh” where the consummation takes place.
[16]
John Stott summarizes this very well he asserts,
Marriage is an, exclusive heterosexual covenant between one man and one woman, ordained and sealed by God, preceded by a public leaving of parents, consummated in sexual union, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership, and normally crowned by the gift of children.[17]
Secondly, I argue that there is a need to reclaim the understanding of marriage as a “Sacrament" at least according to its sacramental value since Protestants does not regard it as a sacrament. St Augustine was the first to speak of marriage as a sacrament; he declares that the bond between husband and wife was ‘sacred because it symbolized the bond between Christ and the church’.
[18] It was a ‘holy promise’, which corresponds with baptism as a beginning of a ‘new way of life in Christ’.
[19] I argue that we need to see Marriage as a loving expression of God. this is where Kasper shares this opinion, he asserts, “Marriage, then is the grammar that God uses to express his love and faithfulness.”
[20]
I fully affirm with Brennan Hill who argues that when we see marriage as a sacrament its focus begins from “the ceremony and the vows to the daily living out of the commitment.”
[21] After the wedding, using the words of Brennan Hill, it is the start of the couple “sacramentalising” their lives together.’
[22] If Christian couples can view marriage as a sacrament and covenant, they can understand what it means to experience this human reality which is at ‘the depths of which is the experience of the Kingdom of God and the Church of Christ.’
[23] It is a ‘reality of grace’ and not just a social law; it is “an outward sign of an inward grace instituted by grace”.
[24] Having said that, there are contemporary Christians who have the wrong view of such a sacramental grace in marriage, they think it is simply some ‘magical added something’ but instead we need to see it as a covenantal commitment that seals the “sacramentality” of the marriage, where we can experience God’s love through the ‘experience of being loved by another.’
[25]
The apostle Paul also expressed marriage as a
mega-mysterion (Ephesians 5:32), this can be translated as a “great mystery”, it means and “extraordinarily great, wonderful and profound truth that can be understood only with the help of God’s Spirit.”
[26] Keller highlights an insightful observation here, he explains that if God had the salvation story in mind when he established marriage, “then marriage only ‘works’ to the degree that approximates the pattern of God’s self-giving love in Christ”.
[27] Hence, when two Christians begin to grasp in some measure their mysterious spiritual union with God in Christ, they will begin also to grasp in some measure that great mysterious union called marriage. The spiritual union lays the grounded for the martial union. O’Brien shares a similar opinion here, he explains that it is through marriage that the “the mystery of the gospel is unveiled.”
[28] With this in mind, I argue that if we have the right perspective of the biblical view of marriage, when we do for our spouse what God did for us in Christ the rest will follow and that is the secret of the gospel when God invented marriage, where God already had the salvation story of Christ.
[29]
b) The Orthopraxis of Marriage
As mentioned earlier, constant ‘destructive interactions’ such as ‘criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling’, can be detrimental to a marriage if not resolved. As argued earlier if the Christian couple has a right theology of marriage, it should lay a strong foundation for how they live out the praxis of a godly marriage. This is where the ‘Orthopraxis’ of marriage comes in next which is the focus of true living & right practice which enables couples to better respond to their conflicts in marriage which will avert the potential of suffering a divorce. There are many useful resources that provide practical steps forward for Christian couples to allude too and to take intentional action with, this is where I will highlight some of these principles and frameworks that is good for couples to take heed.
Firstly, Balswick shares a process of how two individuals grows in oneness in marriage like a ‘marital dance’. He describes such growth of a ‘differentiated unity’, which develops from ‘role taking’ beginning by the ‘anticipation of new roles before entering marriage’, this follows by ‘role playing’ which is ‘assuming the role of spouse and dancing out the part’, and this is where it inevitably leads to a ‘role conflict’, when ones ‘family of origin’ influences what ‘their role and their spouse’s role ought to be’.
[30] Here he shares that these conflicts has to be resolved through ‘grace, acceptance and dialogue’.
[31] The couple next enters the stage of ‘role making’, where each individual plays ‘the role of husband and wife according to one’s own distinctive taste and style’.
[32] Lastly, one of the important points that I fully affirm with him is the constant ‘role-adjustments’ where the couple maintains the flexibility of their marital union.
[33] They should mutually honor one another, by maintaining the openness to change, adapt and to look out for the interest and unique contribution of each other in their commitment to one another.
[34]
Secondly, another fundamental basis of ‘orthopraxis’ of marriage is “love and respect”. Emerson Eggerichs higlights this profound insight in his study of communication, where ultimately, husband needs ‘unconditional respect’ from the wife and the wife needs that ‘unconditional love’ from the husband.
[35] With this premise in mind, I argue that it is important to create viable styles, that allows couples to intentionally practice such acts of love and respect to one another.
[36] In fact, one of the ‘greatest expressions of love’ is that ‘willingness to change’ the behaviors that we know will hurt our spouse.
[37] Gottman shares of this ‘magic ratio of 5:1’, which I agree is a good guide for couples to heed too, that is five positive feelings to one negative.
[38] There are many practical acts of love and respect to this ‘Orthopraxis of marriage’ that couples can practice. Here are some of them, ‘show interest’, ‘be affectionate’, ‘show care’, ‘be appreciative’, ‘show concern’, ‘be empathic’, ‘be accepting’, ‘joke around’ and lastly to ‘share your joy’ to one another.
[39]
Thirdly, couples should get involved in programmes that allow them to wrestle with the different stages of a marital life. It begins right from the pre-marital stage; in fact I would argue that couples should participate in pre-marriage preparation courses even before they decide to book their wedding date. Such courses, such as ‘Prepare and Enrich’, ‘Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis’ allows couples to discover their family of origins, personalities, communication styles and expectations which are crucial to be worked out even before one get married. Even after getting married, participating in ‘marital enrichment’ courses would certainly benefit couples to continue to fan the flame of their marriage.
[40] Such courses may include a “Marriage encounter” weekend, which creates an environment for ‘personal reflection’, ‘couple dialogues’ and that common platform for them to share their feelings as they grow in their marriage.
[41]
Fourthly, a key aspect of the “Orthopraxis of Marriage” is a marriage for others. I argue that Christian married couples should be aware of the impact they can make on the people around them. Early church father, Gregory of Nazianzus, support this argument, he asserts that 'Christian marriage is a way of life which leads people to God'.
[42] The ‘marriage liturgy’ is meant for ‘the church community’ to gather together to witness the union of a marriage.
[43] Austin Fleming shares some insights to add to this, he encourage engaged couples to ‘reflect on the idea that when they marry’, “others should be able to count on [them] for love, for fidelity, to see the light and taste the salt of God’s presence in [their] community.”
[44] When such a couple is outward looking with their lives, the community around them can see ‘God’s love actualized’.
[45] Rahner affirms this asserting that when the couple become one flesh it unites and build a community, in fact the couple bring their ‘passion to its fullness’ when it is shared with others.
[46] When the ‘mission of the married couple’ is clear, the act of their love for each other, and their children will naturally overflow into the community around and the Church.
[47] I fully agree with Hauser who argues a profound perspective, that if the family can be the “seminary’ for the formation of the young, it actually strengthens the Church and the community.
[48]
Ultimately, I argue that if such Christian married couples have such an outward looking perspective of their marriage, if they can model out their marriage for others, through intentionally enriching their married life, it should be a model of Christ love to others in this world, reflecting Christ and the Church. Such an ‘Orthopraxis of Marriage’ will then be a vital response to the rising secularizing and ‘assault’ on the traditional views of marriage, sex and family in our post-modern society as well as an approach to minimize ‘destructive interactions’ between the couple from taking place.
c) The Orthopathos of Marriage
Lastly, just like the Orthodoxy and Orthopraxis of Marriage, what is the drive behind the understanding and actions of a marriage, is the ‘Orthopathos of Marriage’. Such ‘Orthopathos’ is the committed deeply felt response of the heart to God’s truth in marriage, where it builds a bridge between orthodoxy and orthopraxis, it maintains the aspect of loving God and loving people, holding the relationship of the heart, mind and will.
[49] I argue that when a Christian married couple applies the ‘Orthopathos of Marriage’, they would more intentionally grow in oneness and holiness and will be able to minimize the ‘destructive interactions’ of ‘criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling’, which may occur in most marriages, where not addressed can lead to the problem of divorce.
Shaunti Feldhahn, a Harvard-trained social researcher, supports this, by sharing these intriguing findings,
53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage" (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples). 30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage."[50]
She argues that, "Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness"
[51] Marriage is a dynamic process of growing in oneness beginning from the ‘commitment of the covenant’, where they grow in ‘grace’, in ‘empowerment’ and in ‘intimacy’.
[52] I thought Gary Thomas provided us a fresh perspectives to this orthopathos, as he asserts how God uses the ‘challenges, joys, struggles, and celebrations of marriage’ to bring one closer to God as well as ‘to grow in Christian character.’
[53] In fact, he challenge couples with this very thought provoking question, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than happy?"
[54] Such an idea seems to be so counter-cultural to the world’s ideal of what marriage should be. Movies, books, fairytales has all shaped our ideals of what getting married should be like, once you find that special person you get married and be happily ever after. But no, that is not the reality and outcome of marriage. As Thomas rightly asserts, marriage “reminds us of the daily reality of living as sinful human beings in a radically broken world”.
[55] There will come a time when the romantic 'lovey dovey' feelings may plateau, especially those who have been married for a long time. I ascertain that if Christian couples intentionally see marriage from a God-centered view, it will bring glory to God, just like the apostle Paul who reminds us in 2 Corinthians 5:9, “So we make it our goal to please him”. I also share the same sentiments as Thomas who challenges couples to go into marriage to love their spouse as an act of loving God.
[56] Such a statement ascertains to Christians that divorce should not be an option as it will be against Jesus commands, in fact I argue that both parties need to make a pre-made decision when they enter into marriage that the backdoor to divorce should be locked at all times.
Such a God-centered marriage would also lead the couple to grow in purity and godliness. If we have the perspective that marriage is like ‘a mirror’ to one’s sin, we are able to see our character flaws, our selfishness and this is where I argue that it motivates a couple to then encourage one another to be cleansed and in order to grow in godliness.
[57] Keller supports this opinion, he argues of the power of ‘grace- reconciling’, where “Christians spouses have the obligation to assist each other in achieving holiness”.
[58] I especially found Thomas willingness to be confronted with his sin very admirable, when he makes it a habit to ask his wife, “Where do you see unholiness in my life? I want to know about it. I want to change it”.
[59] This is a very practical spiritual discipline worth bringing into a marriage, as I agree that a process of being vulnerable and honest with our spouse with our flaws, will allow God’s grace to flow in our lives as a couple grows in holiness.
There is also power in the marriage which adds to this ‘orthopathos’ when each spouse sacrifice themselves for each other, when they learn to put the happiness of each other own needs, they experience this joy in the process.
[60] Such act of self-giving comes ultimately through the sexual union of a married couple. This is perhaps the most powerful ‘God-created way’ to help each person give their entire self to the other, in fact this is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, “I belong, completely, permanently, and exclusively to you.”
[61] Keller shares this intriguing statement which has some profound truth in it, he argues that ‘sex between a man and a woman points to the love between the Father and the Son (1 Cor 11:3)’, it is a “reflection of the joyous self-giving and pleasure of love within the very life of the triune God”.
[62] Marital intimacy is a lifelong process, which involves the married couples to be intentional about sharing as much of themselves to each other, as they remember their commitment to one another, as well as their covenant before God. In such a marital union, the couple does not lose their self-identity, but instead are enhanced as ‘a unique individual’ as they grow in oneness and intimacy.
[63]
Conclusion
In conclusion, when Christian married couples approach marriage with this proposed holistic framework of the Orthodoxy, Orthopathos and Orthopraxis of Marriage, it will provide a foundational understanding of the covenant and theology of marriage, which will not only prepare couples to better response to the rising secularizing and challenges of the traditional understanding of marriage today, but also minimize the ‘destructive interactions’ such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling which may happen in a marriage which can lead to the problem of divorce if not addressed.
Since God is the creator of marriage, then anyone who enters into marriage should take every effort to understand and submit to its purposes.
[64] If we have the perspective that marriage is an institution by God and it was meant to reflect the saving love of God through Jesus Christ. We can be assured that when a couple makes their covenant vow before God, He is there in strength, and in weakness, as they grow in oneness through ‘successes and failures’ being consummated by God’s grace, which brings a ‘maturity in love.’
[65] At the end of the day, I like to end with this wonderful picture of what marriage is; “The bible begins with a wedding of Adam and Eve, and ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding of Christ and the church.”
[66]
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[1] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage (New York: Dutton, 2011), 240.
[6] William J. Goode, "Family Disorganization," in
Contemporary Social Problems, ed. by Robert K. Merton and Robert A. Nisbet, New York: Harcourt, Brace, 1961, p. 425.
[7] John R. W Stott et al.,
Issues Facing Christians Today (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2006), 362.
[8] Jack O Balswick and Judith K Balswick,
The Family: A Christian Perspective of the Contemporary Home, 3rd Ed. (Grand Rapids, Mich. Baker, 2007), 339.
[10] John Mordechai Gottman and Nan Silver,
Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994), 16.
[12] Stott,
Issues Facing Christians Today, 362.
[13] Les L. Steele, On the way: a practical theology of Christian formation (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Book House, 1990), 37.
[14] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage, 13.
[16] Stott,
Issues Facing Christians Today, 359, 361.
[18] Julie Hanlon Rubio,
A Christian Theology Of Marriage And Family (New York: Paulist Press, 2003),73-74.
[20] Walter Kasper,
Theology Of Christian Marriage (New York: Seabury Press, 1980), 27
[21] Brennan R.Hill, “Reformulating the Sacramental Theology of Marriage” in
Christian Marriage And Family, ed
.byMichael G Lawler and William P Roberts (Collegeville, Minn.: Liturgical Press, 1996), 6.
[25] Bernard Cooke, "Christian Marriage: Basic Sacrament." In
Perspectives on Marriage: A Reader, 2d ed., ed. Kieran Scott and Michael Warren (New York: Oxford UniversityPress, 2001), 48-49.
[26] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage , 45.
[28] Peter Thomas O'Brien,
The Letter To The Ephesians (Grand Rapids, Mich.: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1999), 434.
[30] Jack Balswick and Judith Balswick,
The Family: A Christian Perspective of the Contemporary Home, 81-85.
[35] Emerson Eggerichs,
Love And Respect (Detroit: Christian Large Print, 2010).
[36] John Gottman and Nan Silver,
Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail, 57.
[37] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage, 160.
[38] John Mordechai Gottman and Nan Silver,
Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail , 57.
[40] John Trokan, “Ministry To Marriage: Pastoral Praxis and Theological” in
Christian Marriage And Family, ed
.byMichael G Lawler and William P Roberts (Collegeville, Minn.: Liturgical Press, 1996), 141-160.
[42] Gregory of Nazianzus,
Carmen in laudem viriginitate 223-227, PG 37.539-543, translated by Boniface Ramsey, O.P. in Beginning to Read the Fathers (New York: Paulist Press, 1985), 138-139.
[43] Julie Hanlon Rubio,
A Christian Theology Of Marriage And Family (New York: Paulist Press, 2003), 83.
[44] Austin Fleming,
Prayerbook For Engaged Couples (Chicago, IL: Liturgy Training Publications, 1990), 37.
[47] Daniel C Hauser,
Marriage And Christian Life (Lanham, Md.: University Press of America, 2005), 115-117.
[49] Samuel Solivan, “Orthopathos: Interlocutor between Orthodoxy and Praxis,” Andover Newton Review 1 (Winter 1990), 19-25.
[50] Shaunti Feldhahn,
The Surprising Secrets Of Highly Happy Marriages, (Oregon: Multnomah, 2013), 178
[52] Jack Balswick and Judith Balswick,
The Family: A Christian Perspective of the Contemporary Home, 6-18.
[53] Gary Thomas,
Sacred Marriage (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan Pub. House, 2000), 12.
[58] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage, 115.
[59] Gary Thomas,
Sacred Marriage, 94.
[60] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage, 58.
[63] Challon O'Hearn Roberts and William P Roberts,
Partners In Intimacy (New York: Paulist Press, 1988), 28-29.
[64] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage, 13
[65] Brennan R.Hill, “Reformulating the Sacramental Theology of Marriage”, 7.
[66] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller,
The Meaning Of Marriage, 13.
